There’s so many things I want to do in life, so many places I want to visit. People I want to meet, homes I want to decorate, food I want to taste, and then there’s these feelings I crave like my blood is drawn to them. It could sound ridiculous, that I want to travel the world and taste foods I’ve never tried before, but all after I’ve finally understood these simple feelings. And you could ask me, what are those feelings?
As a hopeless romantic and budding writer, I’ve written about love too many times to count. As the girl who’s been heartbroken over and over, the girl who’s promised herself she’d never fall in love again, it always finds its way back into my words, and I’d be lying if I said it’s something I don’t ever want to feel again. However, I want feelings that I couldn’t run from in fear, feelings I could run to again and again because I’m in love with them.
I want to swim in the ocean’s glassy waters, sometimes naked and others fully clothed. I want to splash in the crashing waves like I was a carefree kid, while the sunset stains my damp skin with deep oranges and pale pinks, like a painting. For my clothes to be soaked in a sandy water as their fabric clings to my body. I wish I could twirl my toes over the wet shore to the music that plays a soundtrack in my head. And then for the sea’s remnants to drip off my eyelashes and down my chin when my eyes glow with a life from the contagious colors of the sun. I want the sweet smell of coastal breeze to flood my senses and taint my sandy skin with its salted scent. If only I could splash in the sunset sea until the golden light falls today, tomorrow, and the next day as if I had no responsibilities.
And at midnight, I want to dance in the center of vacant streets, beneath the sprinkled stars under a delicate rain. I want to run between the painted lines that dress the road’s faded blackness. To run over them, along them, and weave between them until their very end. To dance in the earth’s tears while my saturated clothes catch their crystal drops and drown them until the sun comes up. To spin and spin, twirl and fall, as my tongue tastes their sleek icy essence. I want to be spun, hand in hand, while the midnight light glitters through my hair and caresses my skin with a gentle ivory glow. One that highlights my perfections and imperfections for only me to see. And for that light to shine it’s spotlight down on me as that soundtrack plays in my head, drowned out by laughter and the rain’s cinema-like downfall.
And then, I want to sit by the ocean in the night’s longest hours, watching the ever ceasing waves crash along the shore. I want to watch the twinkling shimmers of iridescence, while the world sleeps such a rarity away. To then dip my toes in its lively embrace until they’re numb and laced with wet sand. And after, I want to run along the midnight coast that no one has dreamed of touching at this hour and to lie in its dampness, staring up at the crystalline constellations. I want for my hair to be veiled with the ocean’s pebbles, as I lie smiling with sanded freckles stippling my face.
And after that, I want to roll down grassy farm hills beneath the warm golden sunlight that peeks above the horizon. To be dressed in white, a long dress that ripples beside the wind and carries my body through the untracked mountains. For my hair to whirl in the heated gusts, brushing my face and sticking to the teeth behind my everlasting smile. I dream to run over the soft grains and the vibrant greens, barefoot, feeling the earth’s untouched soil between my toes. To have its dirt paint my bare soles with memories from these illusory hours. I want to roll in the fields until my dress is woven with green, until my face is scuffed with mud and a plastered pure smile. To lie beneath that golden light while it melts time away. While it melts the hours into a historic moment.
And then, I want to sit in the bed of a truck driving beside the coast, through the forest, over the hills of California’s beauty. I want to feel the earth’s wind slice at my face until it’s raw. For it to braid my hair and caress my skin with a warm airy touch. To lay my arms over the car’s edge and watch the fleeting world pass me by. And for that soundtrack to play in my head, drowned by the air’s roars and my own, of laughter.
I want to drive through mud, trace my wheels where the rain had last touched. I want to drive forever, spraying that wet clay over the earth again, over my car and me. I want to slather it across my cheeks while I push my stuck wheels from its cement grasp. For it to cover my body as my feet slip and slide as if it were icy snow. And after that, I want to hose myself down to watch the brown clay thaw and trickle down my body, returning that mud to the earth again. To watch it fall from my face, vanish from my clothes and soften from the clumps in my hair. For the hose’s showering water to cover my dirt laden skin in gooseflesh reminding me that all these feelings were real.
I want a lifetime in these moments, in these feelings I know will last me forever. And you could ask me why I haven’t done any of this yet. It sounds simple, but something is missing– which is okay considering once I find it, these moments will last me longer than forever.